we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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