I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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