I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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