That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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