I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
It's rum buckets o'clock
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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