Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
