my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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