i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
