you're like a bully in the Christmas story
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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