hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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