Small penises have feelings too.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
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