Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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