i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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