New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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