Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
