Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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