i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
