omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
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It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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