I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
