She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
