U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
