My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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