i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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