I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
