I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
