Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Randomize
