woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
