I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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