Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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