Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
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