tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
