i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
