I wish I could teleport
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Someone signed my nipple.
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