Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
