Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
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My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
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