just come out here and I will go home with you...
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
