Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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