A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
