that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
