I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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