I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
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I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
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THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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