I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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