do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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