I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
