I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
