remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
