Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
He shit in the fireplace
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
