i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
