what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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