you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
