Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
