the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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