I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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