If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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