At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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