I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
