this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
