Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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