do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
