Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
