i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
