Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
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