Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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