he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
