I'm so fucking centered right now
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
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It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
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Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
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